Donkey Kong Country Returns

Donkey Kong is a drunkard! Why do we know this? Because drinking Swiss cherry liqueur from a weird wood-framed bottle gets him a “heart boost”. Cirrhosis of the liver, more likely:

There are multiple things wrong with this situation, not the least of which that the Swiss cross is slightly too thin, the bottle has no obvious opening and the price is way too low. Röteli for a mere 10 gold coins? In Switzerland? Not bloody likely.

The only heart-shaped liqueur bottle I know comes from Germany and is actually arse-shaped:

Proper Swiss Röteli bottles have the decency to come in normal shapes instead:

The screenshot above was stolen from The Geek Critique’s excellent coverage of the Donkey Kong reboots.

Ruiner

In a not-so-distant but very dystopian future, the neon is bright, the streets rain-slick, and Swiss chocolate is delivered via nanoteleporter directly into your system. You can see this in a screenshot from Ruiner:

If you step into one of the fields that are clearly labeled with the Swiss cross (and even square like the Swiss flag), nanomites crawl into your nose to simulate the taste of delicious Swiss chocolate made with the freshest milk from the Alps, perhaps gathered by Heidi herself; although I hear she’s more into goats. Once you’ve had your taste, the mites enter your bloodstream where they construct sugar molecules to nourish your body. That also explains why setting foot on a Swiss flag heals you in this game.

For shame, Reikon Games, for shame.

Mr. Pickles

In episode S03E02 of the tasteless cartoon show Mr. Pickles, we can see Tommy saving the sheriff and Mr. Bojenkins using a Swiss navy boat:

Don’t laugh, Switzerland does have something like a navy, but I’m sure it’s not allowed to operate on US territory. So the cartoon is way, way off.

Surviving Mars

Colonies on Mars will feature small Swiss pavillions where you can sample delicious chocolate and buy Swatch watches:

I’m guessing this is to increase the morale of the colonists. Image stolen from Mack’s Worth a Buy on the game.

Fortnite

Oh boy. Epic Games, the developers of Fortnite, are no strangers to international markets. So it’s no surprise that the health refill item they include in their game is a small chest of Swiss delicacies, clearly labeled with the Swiss flag:

When you pick up that item it turns into some sort of snail shape with a Swiss flag armband on it:

I’m guessing the artists were trying to approximate the shape of a Swiss schnegg pastry. I couldn’t find a picture of the real Swiss one, so here’s a German imitation:

Not quite there, the artists got the dimensions all wrong. Better luck next time, Epic games!

The screenshot above was shamelessly stolen from a clip the gamers at Wizzite Games published. The false schnegg comes from a recipe written by the heathen German calling themselves ZwergTomate.

Just Cause 2

While the developers behind Just Cause 2 need to be commended for using the official first aid colors (white and green) on their first aid kits, they tarnish their reputation by putting what’s quite nearly the official Swiss coat of arms on armor crates:

Here’s the original one, just so you know:

This can only mean that in the universe of Just Cause 2, Switzerland managed to score an arms deal providing armor plates for Panau’s vehicles, even though they pleaded neutrality and shouldn’t really support any wars with arms exports. But maybe Panau is just a terribly peaceful dictatorship and all the killing and dying there doesn’t involve a war. Those sneaky Swiss bastards.

Just Cause’s correct (except for the cross shape) first aid kits look like this, by the way:

Desolate

This early access survival game is very mistitled. After all, the situation can’t be too desolate if you still have boxes of Swiss chocolate like Mack shows in this screenshot:

Real desolation would mean having to eat your fellow survivors. But chocolate? Come on.

Dauntless

In this upcoming action RPG, one of the healing items is a bottle of Röteli (Swiss cherry liqueur), as you can see in this screenshot via I HAS PC:

Don’t drink and sword, kids

This character has five bottles of the stuff, and at 22% ABV he’ll be completely pissed in no time if he tries to drink that for healing. Oh, and the sugar will make him a diabetic long-term.

Do better than Dauntless did, kids. No alcohol on the battlefield!

Battlefield 1 (again)

If you’ve been reading the stupidity that I publish here, you might have noticed that it’s often the biggest companies who make the most mistakes putting Swiss flags on medical items in games. Sometimes these companies even have offices in Switzerland, being multinational and all. It’s no different this time: Battlefield 1 has all med packs emblazoned with the flag of Switzerland:

Might be hard to see there, because like so many FPS games that take themselves seriously, Battlefield 1 is just a mix of browns and greens. But in the screenshot you can witness YouTuber TheBrokenMachine throwing a small burlap sack of Swiss chocolates to his squad mates.

Since Switzerland wasn’t part of World War 1, I guess it’s only fair for us to supply delicious truffe pralinés to the frontlines. Nothing better when you’re choking to death from poison gas than to poke your tongue through the shell and dig out that soft, sweet ganache filling.

Overwatch

Ooooh, Blizzard. Cheeky little Blizzard! I see what you did there. In their game Overwatch, Blizzard cunningly sidestep any flag confusion by basing a medic character called Mercy in Zürich, Switzerland. That way they can use the Swiss flag on her, which Americans foolishly believe is a medical symbol, yet Blizzard remain completely correct in their symbology:

They even got the flag proportions more or less right. Very clever indeed.